Vote Venkman/Stantz 2008!!!

For a first thought, I ask you:

Who better to lead us in these difficult times than self-starting entrepeneur scientist adventurers The Ghostbusters?  They made their own business from scratch!  They never backed down from a fight, even when anyone else would rightfully shit themselves (Slimer was pretty much the only ghost that wasnt really scary looking).  When Gozer the Gozarian was about to bring unspeakable horror on the world, and all the cops and firemen and FBI and army guys were all standing around like “what do we do,” the Ghostbusters were begging to get in there and fight.  When Vigo the Carpathian locked New York in the grip of hate-filled spirit/monsters, what did the Ghostbusters do?  Did they run around trying to catch each single ghost?  Did they just shrug and say screw it?  Nope.  They supernaturally animated the Statue of Liberty.  That wouldn’t even occur to the rest of us!

And of course, the leaders of the Ghostbuster are Peter Venkman and Ray Stantz.  This is no knock on Egon or Winston.  Egon is the brains of the outfit; without him they wouldn’t have their cool EP detectors or the proton packs or the trap devices.  And Winston is the sheer guts of the team.  He’d never met these guys, he has no idea how the science works, yet he’s always ready to throw himself into whatever crazy ass situation they’re in.

But Venkman and Stantz are the natural leaders.  It’s just that simple.  And they are the two people who should be in the White House (and don’t give me any crap about them being fake; all politicians are fake!).

Now.

Second point is more of a question.

It being the Halloween season, it’s about time to get into the Monster vs. Monster discussions we all love.  And this time, I feel we should add the Ghostbusters to the mix.  So, to start us off:

Ghostbusters vs. Jason–could their traps capture his soul?  would he escape the containment and run wild as an intangible ghost? 

Leprechaun vs. Chucky–no size advantage, but Leprechaun is magic, so there’s an advantage (which begs the question, why did Lep use his magic so inconsistently?  he should be unbeatable)

Ash vs. Night of the Living Dead (series)–so this would include any “of the Dead” movie or remake (and really any zombie film; they all ripped off the idea).  I know I would feel pretty confident if I was in a boarded up house surrounded by zombies and Ashley “Ash” Williams was attaching a chainsaw to his handless arm, talking shit on zombies and shotgun-blasting their dicks off.

What others you guys got?

Top 5 Dinosaurs I would prefer to be eaten by…

A few months ago my girl asked me if I wanted to watch some godawful romantic comedy movie (can’t remember at all what it was…my instinct is that it was McConaughey was involved).

I thought it over, and told her that I could list 5 dinosaurs that I would rather be eaten by than watch that shit-stain of a movie.

Here are those dinosaurs:

5.  Brontosaurus:  I realize it’s a plant-eater, but I included it anyway.  Sliding all the way down that long throat would be a hell of an experience.  Plus, I feel like I could stay alive in its stomach for a while, like Pinnochio in Monstro.  Maybe I could bust out.  Who knows?

4.  Stegasaurus:  Again, a plant-eater, but I had to go for it.  It’s got all those cool, sharp spikes on its back and those badass spikes on the tail.  There’s like ten ways it could kill me.  That’s suspenseful.

3.  Tyranosaurus Rex:  More out of respect than anything else.  It’s like in those old Roger Moore Bond movies, when he’d rush the bad guys lair with a platoon of Nato troops, or whatever.  If you were one of the villain’s goons, wouldn’t you rather be killed by James Bond, 007, than by Private First Class Random Doucheface?

2.  Ankylosaurus:  I know you’ve probably never heard of this one, but when I was a kid I had a bunch of plastic dinosaurs (you did too?  No way!), and one was this guy, the Ankylosaurus.  Check this fucker out:

Tell me he wouldn’t eat your fucking soul.  Look at that razor-sharp back, that club tail!

1.  Pterodactyl:  This would probably be the most painful, because it’s all beak and claws, but at least for the few seconds between the beast swooping down to pick you up and it carrying you off to kill you somewhere, it’d be awesome to get the bird’s eye view of the jungle (or wherever you are).

So that’s my list.  My question to you is two parted:

A.  What is your list (obvious question)?

B.  What situation would call for you to prefer death by dinosaur-attack?

Doi

Pretty much everything is easier said than done.

The only things that are easier done than said would be involuntary bodily functions.

 

Especially if you use the longer, scientific terms.

 

Cardiopulmonary activity is easier done than said.

 

Reflexive inhalation is easier done than said.

 

Exhale is easier done than said, since saying something is exhaling plus manipulating sounds.

 

I could go on like this.

 

My Debut Album

Ok, so there is an old internet game that I think is fun and hilarious and really some bands must use it. Anyway it is called “Your Debut Album”. Here is how it is played.

To get your band name go here and the title of the article is your band name.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

Next to get your album title go here and get the last four words from the last quote on the page.

http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3

And finally to get your album cover go here and find the third image.

http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/

So without further ado here is the debut album of Virginia Furniture.

Here are some other bands people have come up with, it is quite hilarious just scroll down the page

http://aethereverywhere.com/discuss/showthread.php?tid=71

Tips for song-writers

Christmas rhymes with isthmus. 

 

But isthmus isn’t really used that much in daily language (isthmus meaning a small strip of land between water masses).  The Isthmus of Panama is really the only one you hear people mention.

 

But there’s also the thyroid isthmus, which connects lobes of the thyroid and is located in the human trachea.

 

So if you’re writing a song and you want a word to rhyme with Christmas, you should plan on including something about Panama or the thyroid.

 

The Bewildering Genius of TV on the Radio

Breaking “rant” form today, I cannot list enough superlatives in describing the new album Dear Science by TV on the Radio.  Let’s try this: listening to this album is, emphatically, more enjoyable than 90% of the sex I’ve had in my life. 

If there were ever true heir apparents to the creative throne of The Talking Heads, it’s this group.  Dear Science is the perfect confluence of what makes this group so goddamn special in my opinion.  I tried to express my sheer obsession with their last album Return to Cookie Mountain with as many people as I could, I will try that again with this album, easily the frontrunner for album of the year in my book, followed by The Hold Steady’s Stay Positive (thank you, Toasterhead!). 

Head over to tvontheradio.com and check out “Golden Age”, the first single which is streaming on the site, and try to tell me you’ve heard anything like that in years.  Well, maybe since In Rainbows.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

 

Star Wars is complicated for me.

 

On the one hand, there’s the new Clone Wars cartoon, which I could care less about (mostly because Genndy Tartovsky did this series in 2003 and it was goddamn fantastic).

On the other hand, there’s The Force Unleashed, which has me all but drooling.

 

So I am apathetic and very excited about the same franchise.  Weird.

 

In that spirit, I’d like to mention the Star Wars prequels.

 

All you need to know about the problems of the prequels is contained in the climactic lightsaber battle scene between Obi-Wan Kenobi and the mint-condition Darth Vader. 

 

Anakin (Vader) in the beginning of the scene:  “You’re either with me, or you’re my enemy.”

 

Then, MINUTES LATER… 

 

Anakin (Vader) at the end of the scene:  “From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.”

 

Don’t have a character draw a moralist line in the sand and then have them be fully cognizant of the subjectivity of their own point of view.  It takes a bit away. 

 

Back to that same line, “you’re either with me or you’re my enemy.”  Obi-Wan responds, “Only Sith deal in absolutes.”

Which is itself an absolute.  But even so, let’s look closer. 

Sith deal in absolutes, but not the Jedi.   The Jedi, who at every opportunity mention that there is a Light side and a Dark side of the Force (and ONLY a Light and a Dark side; no hazy side, dim side, or twilight side), do not deal in absolutes?

 

And that is all you need to know about the Star Wars prequels.  Next I will tackle some Titanic plot holes, out-of-date waste-of-water that I am.

 

Captain Picard, The Truffle Shuffle, and Mr. T

So you read the title and said WTF!! Well, you would be right, What The Fuck indeed. It is exactly what I said when I saw the following images.

The first one invloves Mr. T and a shark, apparently Mr. T is more of a badass than I previously thought, I will never ever doubt him again, he has replaced Chuck Norris in my book as the world baddest ass.

Next we have the ultimate image, possibly the best thing I have ever seen online, since it doesnt involve Mr. T, it must involve one Captain Picard and The Truffle Shuffle. Ready?



















Seriously, thats amazing. His flesh looks so delicious, how did they do that?


Also, enjoy the new logo.

Movie Remakes I Want To See

There are alot of movies being remade these days, classics like Death Race to other Classics like Friday the 13th. Sure, thats all fine and good, but what about the real gems that need some remakes. For example:

Leprachaun – All of them – Every Leprachaun movie was th pinnacle of perfection, hilarious jokes, frightening creature, boobs. I mean what is not to love. Whoever directed / wrote these movies obviously made a deal with the devil for movie perfection so why not remake them? They can only make more money plus it will give another director the chance to become famous.

Goonies – In this version all the goonies should be eatne by sloth then eaten by the Fratellis because this movie sucked, watch it again without the dreamy eyes of childhood, it is like getting 12 toothy blowjobs from ugly girls while you are drunk – It’s sort of Ok.

The Wizard –  actually this movie is perfect, I just wanted to give it a shout out, but to get some more mileage out of it they could just splice in scenes of a new game every few years and call it a sequel, like they can have Jimmy playing the next grand theft auto at Video Armageddon or something, also be on the look out for Toby McGuire in this film he is really young and shows up with Lucas Barton At Video Armageddon.

Home Alone -Using present day Macauly Culkin, just imagine this one, I will say no more.

On Golden Pond – This movie needs more fucking, I mean who doesn’t like geriatric fuckfests, get a Bea Arthur cameo in there too.

Airheads – Maybe this time it will be funny, just put Chris Farleys corpse in the movie, throw it down some stairs, get shots of dogs chewing on it and it will be alot funnier.

Thats my list, and hopefully these wil be remade, I know GOD is on my side.

Cartoon birds and so on…

 

 

Cartoon birds have teeth.

 

All of them.  Most of the fish do, too.

 

Which you’d think, hey, sure, it anthropomorphizes them (gives them human qualities, you illiterate bastards).  If they make a cartoon bird talk, why not give them teeth?

 

Fair enough.

 

So why don’t they have ears?