I Just Ate An Alarming Amount of Wendy’s

To clear things up from the get-go,  I am not stating that I performed cunnilingus upon a bevy of women named Wendy in tandem (life-affirmingly bizarre as that would be).  No, I’m stating that for lunch today I consumed 4 ninety-nine cent double stack hamburgers and a baked potato.  This cost me five dollars. 

I was fairly hungry going into Wendy’s, but not quite hungry enough to foreshadow the repulsive gustatory display I put on for anyone who would dare to watch.  Since I was sitting by myself and had no reading material to speak of, it took me roughly 8 minutes to consume four Christ-punching double stacked hamburgers and the goddamn baked potato.  Post-lunch angioplasty is not covered by my insurance carrier, the fucks.  

Sitting here right now, praying for a young, beautiful death via distended stomach detonation, I’m beginning to realize that the sole reason I mortgaged my already fragile health today is because I could afford to.  5 holy fuck dollars bought me enough food to induce a sensation not unlike that of dropping high-grade triple-stack ecstasy. This was followed by a narcoleptic crash so severe that it required every gatherable amount of energy and dignity to fight off.  A white-hot steel cactus inserted into my ass probably would not wake me up right now. 

That is all.

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3 Responses to “I Just Ate An Alarming Amount of Wendy’s”

  1. well mazmo I have to say I just laughed for about a good fucking 5 minutes, this was and is hilrious you should submit it for something. I was flying today and I had fast food 3 times today i feel bad more on this tomorrow.

  2. toasterheed Says:

    Halfway through that crazy shit I knew exactly what the problem was, and sure enough you said it by the end.

    You were $5 worth of hungry. But they changed the rules for what $5 meant.

    It’s amazing you can even see right now

  3. This is hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

    taw

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