Archive for October, 2008

In Defense of Halloween 3

Posted in Geekish, Geeky, Humor, Morbid, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by mazmo

I’ve watched Halloween 3: Season of the Witch at least twice in the past 4 months and I’ve come to the conclusion that I love this movie.  Yes, love it. 

To begin, the central plot of the movie begs for deeper consideration: A nefarious cabal of Pagans wish to return Halloween to it’s roots through a plot to murder children by melting their heads and subsequently releasing poisonous snakes and insects from said melted child head.  Read that again. Fuck it, read it 10 more times.  Baffling!  And….awesome.

Throw in a drunken Tom Atkins, androids (holy shit!), and that old guy from Robocop (whom I’m fairly certainly was billed as “The Old Man” in the credits of Robocop) as the mastermind behind the entire adolescent-head-melting/transformation scheme and, shit, you have a serious contender for the best entry in the underappreciated  “Plots to Horribly Kill Children in Droves” genre, a personal favorite. 

Sure there’s no Michael Myers in it but I’ll be damned if this isn’t a quality picture.  Objections?

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Mouth Skin All Over

Posted in Humor, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , on October 29, 2008 by chumpchange

Mouth Skin. Think about that for a second. It’s wet, it’s slimy, it salivates and it digests. Now, imagine that you had mouth skin all over the rest of your body. It would be an interesting time, and I would probably wish it to happen to my friends out of hilarity, just to watch them at a party and then see a tasty treat go by, then they start salivating from their body, and their clothes are soaked. Everyday you wake up you would be covered, you would have to sleep in a kiddie pool or you may digest yourself. You may even be referred to as the human slug and would have to deal with children throwing salt on you all of the time.

It sounds like it would be a terrible thing, but I would try it for a day.

Where have you gone, Robot in Rocky IV?

Posted in Geeky, Humor, New Ideas, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2008 by dan

First things first:  I love Rocky IV.  Love it!  Not only was it a great Revenge Theme movie but it ended the Cold War.  In fact, it was one of the more apt Cold War films; Self-Made Man versus Tool of the State, Tool of the State declaring that he fights not for the polit bureau but for himself (“Yasi byah” is almost certainly not actual Russian, but it was moving in the film).

I know the whole goddamn movie was crazy.  Why didn’t the ref stop the exhibition fight before the semi-retired, wholly beloved former heavyweight champion was beaten to death?  That’s so unlikely it may as well be impossible.  How did Rocky avoid being concussed while the Russian (whose punches have been established at 2000 psi pressure) rocks his dome repeatedly? 

But one thing stands out.

The Robot.

And it’s not even that the Robot itself was so crazy.  The real point is that in all the conversations I’ve ever had about Rocky IV, or the series as a whole (and I’ve had many), everyone just avoids the topic of the Robot.

Maybe we don’t know what to say.  What can you say? 

It’s insane to think Rocky could have single-handedly won over the hearts of the entire Soviet Union.  But at the very least, the Soviet Union was a real thing!

There’s no such thing as domestic androids!  Where could Rocky have bought that?!  It’s not a real item!! 

All of us need to stop pretending that there wasn’t a completely fucking unreal robot in Rocky IV.

Enough.

Masters of the Universe (movie): An Appreciation

Posted in Geekish, Geeky, Humor, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 24, 2008 by mazmo

Sitting at work today, The Masters of the Universe movie somehow came to mind and decided to stay there.  Thusly, and since I haven’t written a post in some time, here’s a rather haphazard character/production dissection of a beloved franchise from my youth:

He-Man:  Dolph did an acceptable job.  His pectoralis majors did a considerably better job.  Frankly, He-Man was always the least interesting aspect of the whole series/actions figures/so-on for me. 

Skeletor: Fuckin’ A right, Frank Langella.  Badassness aplenty here and bitching make up effects to boot. 

Detective Lubic: essentially Strickland with a badge, therefore a serious contender for Best Character Ever.  Easily handles the appearance of scantily clad interdimensional warriors AND a necrotic overlord in his quaint Everyhood, keeps his cool wits about him, and then chooses to stay in Eternia after being granted what appears to be personal harem.  Needs a spinoff, right the fuck now.

Evil Lynn: just now realizing her name is a play on the name Evelyn.  Meh.  Kind of like being a henchman named Nefarious Rupert.  Actress who played here was pretty hot though, albeit in a Palinesque (read: frightening) way.

Blade: made up for the movie bad guy, pretty cool though.  Scene where he finally faces off with He-Man and says something prior to fight along the lines of “I’ve been waiting a long time for this” leads to a rather underwhelming sword fight, therefore a bit of a disappointment.  Granted I haven’t seen a single frame of this film in over a decade, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even get killed at the end. 

Sauron: single greatest let down of my childhood.  Another made just for movie bad guy, but fuck me, for an anthropomorphic snake he was goddamn dangerous looking.  So after introduction he kind of tags along with rest of henchmen and then, after they fuck up the first time, is vaporized by Skeletor as punishment.  Now, I had the action figure before the movie came out (it had a wheel on its back that made the mouth shoot sparks!) and in my mind I envisioned great acts of villainy from Sauron, and this is what I get.  Little has made me more depressed since then, including the real life death of four grandparents. 

Gwildor:  Poor’s man Orco. Fuck you Barty, and your magic Key.

Having 75% of Movie Take Place on Earth: an obvious way to cut down on production costs.  The throne room in Grayskull was a nice set though.

The Last Battle Betwixt He-Man and Skeletor: AWESOME.  Having the two of them face off illuminated by only blue and red lights sounds stupid but worked. 

VERDICT:  As both an adaptation and a stand alone sci-fi flick, I think it stands up pretty well despite a few glaring shortcoming. 

Will have remember to revist this topic after the next Rape of My Childhood On the Big Screen: live action G.I. Joe movie

Chest Hair Is Manly

Posted in Humor, manly, New Ideas with tags , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by chumpchange

Really, I don’t think I have to say more than the title but real men have chest hair. I have battled with that idea for years. Women like men that are hairy and manly. And the more hair the better and more manly we are. Look at Burt Reynolds, Sean Connery, Tarzan, Sasquatch. Ask any woman about the first two and they will surely sleep with them and ask about the second two and some will probably still sleep with them simply based on the chest hair.

So, grow that chest hair, loud and proud, stick out, cut it off and glue it to your face. It doesn’t matter what you do just show it off.

Whoo hoo!

Posted in Geeky, Humor, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by dan

Star Trek Disco Party!!!

Top Ten Lists Are Pointless

Posted in Geeky, Humor, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2008 by murfrr

Which is why I’m suggesting a top thirteen just to be an arsehole.  Art is subjective so listing the best ever is stupid.  So without further ado and in no particular order here are my favorite thirteen films, songs, and novels.  I suggest for fun ya’ll do the same.  Remember this is favorite, not best.  Best means nothing.

Films-Rope, The Big Lebowski, King of Comedy, Blue Velvet, Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, Punch Drunk Love, Dr. Strangelove, Major League, Halloween, The Squid and the Whale, Waiting For Guffman, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Songs-John Brown by Bob Dylan, Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana, Astral Weeks by Van Morrison, Life During Wartime by Talking Heads, Heroin by The Velvet Underground, Love Spreads by The Stone Roses, Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen, Paid in Full by Eric B. & Rakim, 96 Tears by Question Mark & the Mysterians, City Hall by Tenacious D, Whipping Post by The Allman Brothers Band, Welcome to the Terrordome by Public Enemy, Rock n Roll Suicide by David Bowie, This Time Tomorrow by The Kinks, Symptom of the Universe by Black Sabbath, Honey Melon by The Slip, maybe that’s more than thirteen so fucking sue me

Novels-The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut, Ubik by Philip K. Dick, 1984 by George Orwell, V For Vendetta by Alan Moore, Infinite Jest by Hang Man (tasteless), A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole, Foundation by Isaac Asimov, The Stand by Stephen King, The Island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey, The Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson & Robert Shea, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson

Now suck my shit and beat that dick, I fucking dare you!