Archive for September, 2008

Is it @#%* you, or *#$% you?

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2008 by dan

 

 

Is there a protocol to using symbols to obscure profanity (like: you rotten #%&*) ?

 

Not a direct code, mind you, just a protocol?

 

Like, for example, you would never start with @, or you can’t use * until you’ve used #.

 

Does @$$ make a good stand-in for “ass,” or is it too close to the original?

 

Is nobody regulating this?

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Safe For Work Porn (SFW XXX)

Posted in Humor, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2008 by chumpchange

Finally someone went and did it, they made porn better? I guess it all really depends on what you are in the mood for. Jerking Off or Laughing while Jerking Off. Anyway, I submit to you dear reader something special, something unique and something disturbing but in a very, very subtle way. Without further ado, straight from the vaults of NPR, Safe For Work Porn.

Tips for song-writers

Posted in Geeky, Humor with tags , , , , , , on September 26, 2008 by dan

Christmas rhymes with isthmus. 

 

But isthmus isn’t really used that much in daily language (isthmus meaning a small strip of land between water masses).  The Isthmus of Panama is really the only one you hear people mention.

 

But there’s also the thyroid isthmus, which connects lobes of the thyroid and is located in the human trachea.

 

So if you’re writing a song and you want a word to rhyme with Christmas, you should plan on including something about Panama or the thyroid.

 

Kim Kardashian’s Killer Kunt From Outer Space

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Morbid, News/Current Events with tags on September 24, 2008 by murfrr

Great title for a B horror film but that’s neither here nor there. I have a story to relay. Yesterday at work I was approached by a young lady who was cute as hell and dumb as a turd so I did what I always do in this situation, I stared at her tits. After she prattled on for what felt like four months she asked me if I had seen Dancing With The Stars on Monday night. I of course did not but since I was envisioning my nuts on this dame’s tonsils, I lied. She went on about how shitty of a dancer Kim Kardashian is and how she embarrassed herself on the stage. I thought to myself, if she can dance half as good as she can smoke pole then how is this possible? See Ray J video for proof of this. I figured my coworker was just jealous because she doesn’t have the dynamic posterior that Kardashian was blessed with. Just to be sure though, I spun her around and checked. Nope. My coworker then slapped me in the ball bag and reported my sexual misconduct to Human Resources. Which I believe is the wrong department for filing a harassment claim, so I think I’m safe. But after work I felt I needed to get to the bottom of this Kardashian situation. You know, the bottom. The spongy, sticky, stank bottom. Yeah, that’s it. I work the night shift so by the time I get home it’s around eight thirty, ante meridiem. You know, a.m. Like DJ AM, who I hear is hot right now. The kids tell me the dude’s on fire. Anyway, I get home and jump on YouTube to search for this Kardashian video. Not the sexy time, black poles in pink holes video she made in a hotel room with Brandy’s little brother, but the dancing video. I’m watching this fucking thing and all of a sudden I have a moment of clarity that allows me to assess this situation accurately. Here I am a grown man, at nine in the morning, tired, drunk, and still awake from work the night before, watching a YouTube, Kim Kardashian, Dancing With The Douchebags extravaganza. So I did the only thing that made any sense at all. I jacked off. It wouldn’t be the first time I graced Miss Kardashian with the presence of my DNA. Sure, the other video was a tad more explicit but what the hell? A rub’s a rub. To make a long story longer, as I ejaculated I spun around in a circle thus creating a tight ring of semen on the floor. While waiting for it to dry in the shape of a noose, I contemplated a Foster Wallace but decided I would save it for a Michael Hutchence later in the week. That is all.

The Bewildering Genius of TV on the Radio

Posted in Geeky, New Ideas, News/Current Events, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 24, 2008 by mazmo

Breaking “rant” form today, I cannot list enough superlatives in describing the new album Dear Science by TV on the Radio.  Let’s try this: listening to this album is, emphatically, more enjoyable than 90% of the sex I’ve had in my life. 

If there were ever true heir apparents to the creative throne of The Talking Heads, it’s this group.  Dear Science is the perfect confluence of what makes this group so goddamn special in my opinion.  I tried to express my sheer obsession with their last album Return to Cookie Mountain with as many people as I could, I will try that again with this album, easily the frontrunner for album of the year in my book, followed by The Hold Steady’s Stay Positive (thank you, Toasterhead!). 

Head over to tvontheradio.com and check out “Golden Age”, the first single which is streaming on the site, and try to tell me you’ve heard anything like that in years.  Well, maybe since In Rainbows.

The Sperm Receptacle

Posted in Humor, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2008 by chumpchange

Imagine that! I am sure you are all picturing your mom. (come on that was a good your mom joke) Anyway, if that were a literal thing, a big green dumpster filled with cum, I would hate it to be my job to do anything to it whether it is cleaning it, moving, emptying it, whatever it is I want no part of it.

Know what else? I hope this word never goes mainstream so that it never gets euphamised, it would suck to have to say Sperm Receptacle, or Baby Juice In A Bottle, or Milk Carton or something along those lines, I want reverse euphamisms (is there a word for the opposite of euphamism?) ones that get dirtier and more shocking. Lets take Carlins classic “Shell Shock” (sorry George, not trying to steal your bit) the next step in a positive direction is “battle fatigue” but what if it were to go in the opposite direction? Shell shock could become “War Pain” or “My Head is Fucked Up Because I Just Killed Alot Of People” Or “Murder Syndrome”. Can you think of any more? I think it is tougher to actually make them more negative in such a small amount of words as the positive ones.

Dane Cook gives cancer to cancer

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2008 by dan

 

You know how George Carlin would deliver ideas in his stand-up and you’d think, man, he nailed that; he enunciated a thought we all had but couldn’t put into words.  He gave form to truths that were always there, we just didn’t always see them.  And he’d through in some fart jokes, too!

Remember that?  Feeling the value of quality comedy?  Feeling respect for the amount of preperation and focus that must go into it?

Good.  Now you are ready to hate some Dane Cook.

Comedy is totally subjective, of course.  What’s funny to one person might not be funny to another.  But not in this case.  Dane Cook is not funny.  He’s just an asshole who refused to go home.

He networked himself as a comedian to college students (easy target; most can’t get into bars and they have nothing but time on their hands).  His routine was basically to shout a bunch of shit.  So by using Facebook, MySpace, TalkToMeForChristsSake.com or whatever, he insisted that he was a stand-up comic. 

That’s cool.  Whatever.

Now he’s insisting he’s a film actor.  And it’s starting to be everyone’s problem.

Go home, sir.

It’s bad enough that some ass-breathed, cummy-gummed fucks insist on making “—Movie” movies (the newest is, I think, “Disaster Movie”) that get advertised like hell and die quick deaths in the theater, but now we have Cook doing the same thing but with Romantic Comedies. 

Formula movies are shit.  But these are worse.  They’re Laundry List movies. 

There is no creativity.  There is nothing unexpected.  It’s a fucking chuckler, and it has to stop. 

So please, for the sake of humanity, just combine these two Laundry List franchises into one item.  Make “Dane Cook Movie.”  At least there’d only be one marketing plan to suffer through; one assembly line, soulless, business model film taking up space on shelves.

In closing, if you’re going to make a shitty movie, at least make it a shitty horror.  Clint Howard as the Ice Cream Man is fantastic!