Archive for the Morbid Category

HodgePodge

Posted in Geeky, gross, Hate Speech, Humor, Life Lesson, Morbid, Owned, Serious Business, Sex Story with tags , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2008 by chumpchange

I like Porn. I just watched a clip from “Shut up and Blow Me 18”. Who says sequels can’t be better than the original. Somehow this got me thinking “What would the box art to “Shut Up And Blow Me 18” look like? Well I looked first in Google and here is what I got.

More Suck For Your Buck (Thats really the tag line)

More Suck For Your Buck (Thats really the tag line)

So then I went to google image search to see if anything interesting came up and I found some GEMS!! So, Yeah you can look for them yourself, really nothing that funny, I just exaggerated before I even looked and am too lazy to delete it, but I know that in the time it took me to look and then write this I easily could have taken that part out, but I digress.

Anyway,  on the tail end of Mazmo’s excellent Wendy’s adventure I need to tell you about something I am sad to say that I ate yesterday. First of all I was flying from L.A. back to N.C. and I had a layover in Detroit and if you have ever been to Detroit (the airport, not the city) you wil know that it is just about as large as Mandingo’s cock. The thing is long and there is lots of food to choose from, I had a moderate amount of time to find something to eat, but not enough to sit down, so after 10 fucking minutes of walking i finally got to my gate, just to make sure I knew where the hell it was, I passed alot of stuff I wanted to eat (mainly some roast beef (curtains)). Anyway I settled on a hot dog because it was right there next to the gate. Well, the fries were good and the soda was good and overall the hot dog was ok sort of but the presentation of it. It looked like someone just finished filming two girls one cup over this hot dog, I mean it was dripping with something that was supposedly chili and frankly (great pun, eh?) the texture was rubbery, and floppy, and it had like a think rubbery skin on it, it really could have been pig foreskin soaked in hot dog water. Who knows. I ate it, I am ashamed but I paid for it and airport food is expensive, which brings me to another point.

I sat next to the fattest lady, which is fine for like an hour flight but this was abotu a 5 hour flight, she couldn’t even but the arm rests down AND she was sitting in the middle so she was inconveniencing 2 people. When she got up to go to the bath room I put the arm rest down and when she got back she sat down, the arm rests stretched apart and her fat poured over the sides like a non-newtonian liquid, it was gross and it was starting to eat me, by the end of the flight i was exhausted and sore from having it rest on me, then I masturbated.

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I Just Ate An Alarming Amount of Wendy’s

Posted in Life Lesson, manly, Morbid, New Ideas, Serious Business, Sex Story, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 11, 2008 by mazmo

To clear things up from the get-go,  I am not stating that I performed cunnilingus upon a bevy of women named Wendy in tandem (life-affirmingly bizarre as that would be).  No, I’m stating that for lunch today I consumed 4 ninety-nine cent double stack hamburgers and a baked potato.  This cost me five dollars. 

I was fairly hungry going into Wendy’s, but not quite hungry enough to foreshadow the repulsive gustatory display I put on for anyone who would dare to watch.  Since I was sitting by myself and had no reading material to speak of, it took me roughly 8 minutes to consume four Christ-punching double stacked hamburgers and the goddamn baked potato.  Post-lunch angioplasty is not covered by my insurance carrier, the fucks.  

Sitting here right now, praying for a young, beautiful death via distended stomach detonation, I’m beginning to realize that the sole reason I mortgaged my already fragile health today is because I could afford to.  5 holy fuck dollars bought me enough food to induce a sensation not unlike that of dropping high-grade triple-stack ecstasy. This was followed by a narcoleptic crash so severe that it required every gatherable amount of energy and dignity to fight off.  A white-hot steel cactus inserted into my ass probably would not wake me up right now. 

That is all.

Shitty Vampire Movies (well, just one)

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Morbid, New Ideas, News/Current Events with tags , , , , , , on November 21, 2008 by mazmo

For anyone who plans on seeing Twlight, or reading it (which is even fucking worse), read this blog entry at my favorite movie site CHUD:

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1337/A-Nice-Hard-Slap—Fuck-This-Face.html

AND the follow up:

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1388/A-Nice-Hard-Slap—Fuck-This-Face-II-Fuck-This-Face-Harder.html

Hilarity I tell you

In Defense of Halloween 3

Posted in Geekish, Geeky, Humor, Morbid, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , on October 31, 2008 by mazmo

I’ve watched Halloween 3: Season of the Witch at least twice in the past 4 months and I’ve come to the conclusion that I love this movie.  Yes, love it. 

To begin, the central plot of the movie begs for deeper consideration: A nefarious cabal of Pagans wish to return Halloween to it’s roots through a plot to murder children by melting their heads and subsequently releasing poisonous snakes and insects from said melted child head.  Read that again. Fuck it, read it 10 more times.  Baffling!  And….awesome.

Throw in a drunken Tom Atkins, androids (holy shit!), and that old guy from Robocop (whom I’m fairly certainly was billed as “The Old Man” in the credits of Robocop) as the mastermind behind the entire adolescent-head-melting/transformation scheme and, shit, you have a serious contender for the best entry in the underappreciated  “Plots to Horribly Kill Children in Droves” genre, a personal favorite. 

Sure there’s no Michael Myers in it but I’ll be damned if this isn’t a quality picture.  Objections?

Top 5 Dinosaurs I would prefer to be eaten by…

Posted in Geeky, Morbid, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2008 by dan

A few months ago my girl asked me if I wanted to watch some godawful romantic comedy movie (can’t remember at all what it was…my instinct is that it was McConaughey was involved).

I thought it over, and told her that I could list 5 dinosaurs that I would rather be eaten by than watch that shit-stain of a movie.

Here are those dinosaurs:

5.  Brontosaurus:  I realize it’s a plant-eater, but I included it anyway.  Sliding all the way down that long throat would be a hell of an experience.  Plus, I feel like I could stay alive in its stomach for a while, like Pinnochio in Monstro.  Maybe I could bust out.  Who knows?

4.  Stegasaurus:  Again, a plant-eater, but I had to go for it.  It’s got all those cool, sharp spikes on its back and those badass spikes on the tail.  There’s like ten ways it could kill me.  That’s suspenseful.

3.  Tyranosaurus Rex:  More out of respect than anything else.  It’s like in those old Roger Moore Bond movies, when he’d rush the bad guys lair with a platoon of Nato troops, or whatever.  If you were one of the villain’s goons, wouldn’t you rather be killed by James Bond, 007, than by Private First Class Random Doucheface?

2.  Ankylosaurus:  I know you’ve probably never heard of this one, but when I was a kid I had a bunch of plastic dinosaurs (you did too?  No way!), and one was this guy, the Ankylosaurus.  Check this fucker out:

Tell me he wouldn’t eat your fucking soul.  Look at that razor-sharp back, that club tail!

1.  Pterodactyl:  This would probably be the most painful, because it’s all beak and claws, but at least for the few seconds between the beast swooping down to pick you up and it carrying you off to kill you somewhere, it’d be awesome to get the bird’s eye view of the jungle (or wherever you are).

So that’s my list.  My question to you is two parted:

A.  What is your list (obvious question)?

B.  What situation would call for you to prefer death by dinosaur-attack?

Kim Kardashian’s Killer Kunt From Outer Space

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Morbid, News/Current Events with tags on September 24, 2008 by murfrr

Great title for a B horror film but that’s neither here nor there. I have a story to relay. Yesterday at work I was approached by a young lady who was cute as hell and dumb as a turd so I did what I always do in this situation, I stared at her tits. After she prattled on for what felt like four months she asked me if I had seen Dancing With The Stars on Monday night. I of course did not but since I was envisioning my nuts on this dame’s tonsils, I lied. She went on about how shitty of a dancer Kim Kardashian is and how she embarrassed herself on the stage. I thought to myself, if she can dance half as good as she can smoke pole then how is this possible? See Ray J video for proof of this. I figured my coworker was just jealous because she doesn’t have the dynamic posterior that Kardashian was blessed with. Just to be sure though, I spun her around and checked. Nope. My coworker then slapped me in the ball bag and reported my sexual misconduct to Human Resources. Which I believe is the wrong department for filing a harassment claim, so I think I’m safe. But after work I felt I needed to get to the bottom of this Kardashian situation. You know, the bottom. The spongy, sticky, stank bottom. Yeah, that’s it. I work the night shift so by the time I get home it’s around eight thirty, ante meridiem. You know, a.m. Like DJ AM, who I hear is hot right now. The kids tell me the dude’s on fire. Anyway, I get home and jump on YouTube to search for this Kardashian video. Not the sexy time, black poles in pink holes video she made in a hotel room with Brandy’s little brother, but the dancing video. I’m watching this fucking thing and all of a sudden I have a moment of clarity that allows me to assess this situation accurately. Here I am a grown man, at nine in the morning, tired, drunk, and still awake from work the night before, watching a YouTube, Kim Kardashian, Dancing With The Douchebags extravaganza. So I did the only thing that made any sense at all. I jacked off. It wouldn’t be the first time I graced Miss Kardashian with the presence of my DNA. Sure, the other video was a tad more explicit but what the hell? A rub’s a rub. To make a long story longer, as I ejaculated I spun around in a circle thus creating a tight ring of semen on the floor. While waiting for it to dry in the shape of a noose, I contemplated a Foster Wallace but decided I would save it for a Michael Hutchence later in the week. That is all.

Why Do They Call Them Fingers If They Don’t Fing?

Posted in Humor, Morbid, New Ideas with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2008 by chumpchange

What a fuckass gay question! Whoever came up with that stupid perpetually spouted pseudo philosophic question should have hemlock jucice injected into their eyes. Oh and while I am on that subject whatever happened to death by hemlock juice? It seems like a perfectly good way to kill someone. People, we have become so lazy (America, I am talking to you) that we no longer think up any great ways to kill people and if we do we will never use them because they are considered unethical or will kill to many people, oh I am sorry I mean gently lull the populous in to a happy fun time! (Fucking Euphemisms, if only that were a real one)

Whatever happened to good old American ingenuity? Remember when things were more inventive? My favorite death invention goes like this, there is a huge pot of water, the victim, prisoner or whatever it is you want to call that poor schmo is placed inside and a lid is put on. On top of that lid are a few horns (the music type) or something along the lines of organ pipes. Then they start heating the water at an incredible rate, the screams of the person inside are then translated into music through the horn / organ pieces to create a true death song. So you never actually hear the person scream, you just hear musical notes.

Ok, I know thats morbid, and yes it did really exist, but you know whats more morbid? That I want to hear it, and you know whats hilarious?  “Now That’s What A Call Death Screams Volume 10”. I know I will buy it.

But seriously imagine hearing that, I mean it would sound like music (theoretically because the horns / pipes were made to for a certain scale, Major scale? (Minor scale would be hilarious since it is made for depressing music already) Someone must have made a top 40 hit by accident, or I think P Diddy or that Douche Bag Lil’ Wayne sampled it on their last album.

Either way, lets get creative people.