Archive for the Hate Speech Category

The Midwest – America’s Used Condom

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Life Lesson, New Ideas, News/Current Events, Serious Business with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 2, 2009 by chumpchange

Perhaps some of you like the midwest. Well I fucking hate it, it is flat like your mom and boring like your fathers blowjobs. Seriously, the only cool place was Colorado and that because it looks cool, make the entire midwest a giant prison or something productive, make the prisoners farm for free, that could be their community service, and they would be learning a trade that would allow them to be able to merge back into society and not have to go all shawshank and kill themselves. Kansas sucks, it is so boring, and long and flat, I got to see the Oz Museum, well that was certainly a treat, except it wasn’t I was actually hoping to be raped by something that wasn’t Oz related. Utah is cool right? No, it is just as long and as voring as Kansas except it has the added danger of cold mountains, steep hills, no services (phone, gas, food) for 100 miles at a time, elk and deer crossing, mormons, polygamists, etc… The list just goes on and on.

Anyway, I have enjoyed my trip but I don’t think I will drive it again, unless someone else drives and the midwest gets more interesting.

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HodgePodge

Posted in Geeky, gross, Hate Speech, Humor, Life Lesson, Morbid, Owned, Serious Business, Sex Story with tags , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2008 by chumpchange

I like Porn. I just watched a clip from “Shut up and Blow Me 18”. Who says sequels can’t be better than the original. Somehow this got me thinking “What would the box art to “Shut Up And Blow Me 18” look like? Well I looked first in Google and here is what I got.

More Suck For Your Buck (Thats really the tag line)

More Suck For Your Buck (Thats really the tag line)

So then I went to google image search to see if anything interesting came up and I found some GEMS!! So, Yeah you can look for them yourself, really nothing that funny, I just exaggerated before I even looked and am too lazy to delete it, but I know that in the time it took me to look and then write this I easily could have taken that part out, but I digress.

Anyway,  on the tail end of Mazmo’s excellent Wendy’s adventure I need to tell you about something I am sad to say that I ate yesterday. First of all I was flying from L.A. back to N.C. and I had a layover in Detroit and if you have ever been to Detroit (the airport, not the city) you wil know that it is just about as large as Mandingo’s cock. The thing is long and there is lots of food to choose from, I had a moderate amount of time to find something to eat, but not enough to sit down, so after 10 fucking minutes of walking i finally got to my gate, just to make sure I knew where the hell it was, I passed alot of stuff I wanted to eat (mainly some roast beef (curtains)). Anyway I settled on a hot dog because it was right there next to the gate. Well, the fries were good and the soda was good and overall the hot dog was ok sort of but the presentation of it. It looked like someone just finished filming two girls one cup over this hot dog, I mean it was dripping with something that was supposedly chili and frankly (great pun, eh?) the texture was rubbery, and floppy, and it had like a think rubbery skin on it, it really could have been pig foreskin soaked in hot dog water. Who knows. I ate it, I am ashamed but I paid for it and airport food is expensive, which brings me to another point.

I sat next to the fattest lady, which is fine for like an hour flight but this was abotu a 5 hour flight, she couldn’t even but the arm rests down AND she was sitting in the middle so she was inconveniencing 2 people. When she got up to go to the bath room I put the arm rest down and when she got back she sat down, the arm rests stretched apart and her fat poured over the sides like a non-newtonian liquid, it was gross and it was starting to eat me, by the end of the flight i was exhausted and sore from having it rest on me, then I masturbated.

Shitty Vampire Movies (well, just one)

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Morbid, New Ideas, News/Current Events with tags , , , , , , on November 21, 2008 by mazmo

For anyone who plans on seeing Twlight, or reading it (which is even fucking worse), read this blog entry at my favorite movie site CHUD:

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1337/A-Nice-Hard-Slap—Fuck-This-Face.html

AND the follow up:

http://chud.com/articles/blogs/1388/A-Nice-Hard-Slap—Fuck-This-Face-II-Fuck-This-Face-Harder.html

Hilarity I tell you

The New Karate Kid Remake.

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Serious Business with tags , , , , , , , on November 17, 2008 by chumpchange
Scum Smith

Scum Smith

FUCK THAT SHIT!! Seriously, FUCK THAT SHIT, if you don’t know, that scumbag Will Smith is getting his scummy ass little kid to do a Karate Kid remake, I hope Ralph Machio and the ghost of Pat Morita come back and beat those fuckers into oblivion, then go and make Karate Kid IV where it is discovered through the ghost of Pat Morita that Hillary Swanks character actually poisoned Pat Morita (ala, elle driver in kill bill) and Ralph Machio comes back to avenge his death. Man that would be one sweet movie!

Is it @#%* you, or *#$% you?

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2008 by dan

 

 

Is there a protocol to using symbols to obscure profanity (like: you rotten #%&*) ?

 

Not a direct code, mind you, just a protocol?

 

Like, for example, you would never start with @, or you can’t use * until you’ve used #.

 

Does @$$ make a good stand-in for “ass,” or is it too close to the original?

 

Is nobody regulating this?

Kim Kardashian’s Killer Kunt From Outer Space

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor, Morbid, News/Current Events with tags on September 24, 2008 by murfrr

Great title for a B horror film but that’s neither here nor there. I have a story to relay. Yesterday at work I was approached by a young lady who was cute as hell and dumb as a turd so I did what I always do in this situation, I stared at her tits. After she prattled on for what felt like four months she asked me if I had seen Dancing With The Stars on Monday night. I of course did not but since I was envisioning my nuts on this dame’s tonsils, I lied. She went on about how shitty of a dancer Kim Kardashian is and how she embarrassed herself on the stage. I thought to myself, if she can dance half as good as she can smoke pole then how is this possible? See Ray J video for proof of this. I figured my coworker was just jealous because she doesn’t have the dynamic posterior that Kardashian was blessed with. Just to be sure though, I spun her around and checked. Nope. My coworker then slapped me in the ball bag and reported my sexual misconduct to Human Resources. Which I believe is the wrong department for filing a harassment claim, so I think I’m safe. But after work I felt I needed to get to the bottom of this Kardashian situation. You know, the bottom. The spongy, sticky, stank bottom. Yeah, that’s it. I work the night shift so by the time I get home it’s around eight thirty, ante meridiem. You know, a.m. Like DJ AM, who I hear is hot right now. The kids tell me the dude’s on fire. Anyway, I get home and jump on YouTube to search for this Kardashian video. Not the sexy time, black poles in pink holes video she made in a hotel room with Brandy’s little brother, but the dancing video. I’m watching this fucking thing and all of a sudden I have a moment of clarity that allows me to assess this situation accurately. Here I am a grown man, at nine in the morning, tired, drunk, and still awake from work the night before, watching a YouTube, Kim Kardashian, Dancing With The Douchebags extravaganza. So I did the only thing that made any sense at all. I jacked off. It wouldn’t be the first time I graced Miss Kardashian with the presence of my DNA. Sure, the other video was a tad more explicit but what the hell? A rub’s a rub. To make a long story longer, as I ejaculated I spun around in a circle thus creating a tight ring of semen on the floor. While waiting for it to dry in the shape of a noose, I contemplated a Foster Wallace but decided I would save it for a Michael Hutchence later in the week. That is all.

Dane Cook gives cancer to cancer

Posted in Hate Speech, Humor with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2008 by dan

 

You know how George Carlin would deliver ideas in his stand-up and you’d think, man, he nailed that; he enunciated a thought we all had but couldn’t put into words.  He gave form to truths that were always there, we just didn’t always see them.  And he’d through in some fart jokes, too!

Remember that?  Feeling the value of quality comedy?  Feeling respect for the amount of preperation and focus that must go into it?

Good.  Now you are ready to hate some Dane Cook.

Comedy is totally subjective, of course.  What’s funny to one person might not be funny to another.  But not in this case.  Dane Cook is not funny.  He’s just an asshole who refused to go home.

He networked himself as a comedian to college students (easy target; most can’t get into bars and they have nothing but time on their hands).  His routine was basically to shout a bunch of shit.  So by using Facebook, MySpace, TalkToMeForChristsSake.com or whatever, he insisted that he was a stand-up comic. 

That’s cool.  Whatever.

Now he’s insisting he’s a film actor.  And it’s starting to be everyone’s problem.

Go home, sir.

It’s bad enough that some ass-breathed, cummy-gummed fucks insist on making “—Movie” movies (the newest is, I think, “Disaster Movie”) that get advertised like hell and die quick deaths in the theater, but now we have Cook doing the same thing but with Romantic Comedies. 

Formula movies are shit.  But these are worse.  They’re Laundry List movies. 

There is no creativity.  There is nothing unexpected.  It’s a fucking chuckler, and it has to stop. 

So please, for the sake of humanity, just combine these two Laundry List franchises into one item.  Make “Dane Cook Movie.”  At least there’d only be one marketing plan to suffer through; one assembly line, soulless, business model film taking up space on shelves.

In closing, if you’re going to make a shitty movie, at least make it a shitty horror.  Clint Howard as the Ice Cream Man is fantastic!