Why Do They Call Them Fingers If They Don’t Fing?

What a fuckass gay question! Whoever came up with that stupid perpetually spouted pseudo philosophic question should have hemlock jucice injected into their eyes. Oh and while I am on that subject whatever happened to death by hemlock juice? It seems like a perfectly good way to kill someone. People, we have become so lazy (America, I am talking to you) that we no longer think up any great ways to kill people and if we do we will never use them because they are considered unethical or will kill to many people, oh I am sorry I mean gently lull the populous in to a happy fun time! (Fucking Euphemisms, if only that were a real one)

Whatever happened to good old American ingenuity? Remember when things were more inventive? My favorite death invention goes like this, there is a huge pot of water, the victim, prisoner or whatever it is you want to call that poor schmo is placed inside and a lid is put on. On top of that lid are a few horns (the music type) or something along the lines of organ pipes. Then they start heating the water at an incredible rate, the screams of the person inside are then translated into music through the horn / organ pieces to create a true death song. So you never actually hear the person scream, you just hear musical notes.

Ok, I know thats morbid, and yes it did really exist, but you know whats more morbid? That I want to hear it, and you know whats hilarious?  “Now That’s What A Call Death Screams Volume 10”. I know I will buy it.

But seriously imagine hearing that, I mean it would sound like music (theoretically because the horns / pipes were made to for a certain scale, Major scale? (Minor scale would be hilarious since it is made for depressing music already) Someone must have made a top 40 hit by accident, or I think P Diddy or that Douche Bag Lil’ Wayne sampled it on their last album.

Either way, lets get creative people.


2 Responses to “Why Do They Call Them Fingers If They Don’t Fing?”

  1. toasterheed Says:

    You could put little tamborines on the people’s flailing arms and legs, as well. That might be nice.

  2. DeckGrabber Says:

    Thinking of ways to kill people reminds me of torture and then that tangent takes me to a conversation i had while locked up in Building 50 (Norristown State Mental Hospital). While in group session talking about feelings or the “voices” in our head, I added that i wanted to get a hooker, more like a high class call girl -one that knows her shit doesn’t smell and buys expensive lotions to mask the stench of her self esteem. The idea is to tie her to an office chair with a “kinky premise” and while blind folded and gagged, shoot rubber bands at her repeatedly. No sexual gratification here, just good old humor. Now that’s what i call a pretty woman.

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