I was actually running the franchise over in my mind the other night at work and a few things stood out.  Part IV being billed as the FINAL chapter is hilarious because they were just getting warmed up. Imagine if you told the writers of FINAL chapter that not only would this not be the last installment in the series but four more films down the road Jason would be slashing his way around Manhattan. And the series still wouldn’t end there!

I can honestly say I’m excited for the remake for two reasons, first I believe they are combining elements of the first three films. Which you have to do because Jason doesn’t appear in the first film and he doesn’t don the hockey mask until the third. Second, the Friday series was never really that good. If you’re going to remake, reboot, re envision, re- whatever the fuck you unimaginative pricks want to call it, then choose something that sucks. And let’s be honest, Friday has always been nothing more than a slasher franchise. I would be so bold as to say it’s no better than Child’s Play. I take that back, a giant, undead, machete wielding dude in Dickies, combat boots, and a hockey mask is far more badass than, well, a doll. But the first Child’s Play film was creepier and therefore better than the first Friday.

Michael Bay producing certainly tightens my sphincter a little but what the hell, maybe we can get Jason to chug a Coca Cola while running someone over in a Hummer. Or better yet, a gun fight on Kawasaki jet skis across Crystal Lake with Jason double fisting a pair of gold plated Uzis. That one got away from me a little. But while I was infinitely dissappointed with the Texas Chainsaw and Halloween remakes on account of both of those originals being far more atmospheric than gory, I feel Friday the 13th, which is nothing more than drunk teens getting slashed to pieces while copulating, is impossible to fuck up. We shall see.

Check out this Onion article written in January of 2001

It’s eerie as shit.

So this movie is supposed to be pretty good. Reviews I’ve read have been positive.

Normally, I would leave it at that, but check out this
review by Mick Foley
http://www.slate.com/id/2207076/

And let’s get a wrestling thread going on.

I’ll start.
Undertaker in his prime v. Jake The Snake in his prime.

Discuss.

To clear things up from the get-go,  I am not stating that I performed cunnilingus upon a bevy of women named Wendy in tandem (life-affirmingly bizarre as that would be).  No, I’m stating that for lunch today I consumed 4 ninety-nine cent double stack hamburgers and a baked potato.  This cost me five dollars. 

I was fairly hungry going into Wendy’s, but not quite hungry enough to foreshadow the repulsive gustatory display I put on for anyone who would dare to watch.  Since I was sitting by myself and had no reading material to speak of, it took me roughly 8 minutes to consume four Christ-punching double stacked hamburgers and the goddamn baked potato.  Post-lunch angioplasty is not covered by my insurance carrier, the fucks.  

Sitting here right now, praying for a young, beautiful death via distended stomach detonation, I’m beginning to realize that the sole reason I mortgaged my already fragile health today is because I could afford to.  5 holy fuck dollars bought me enough food to induce a sensation not unlike that of dropping high-grade triple-stack ecstasy. This was followed by a narcoleptic crash so severe that it required every gatherable amount of energy and dignity to fight off.  A white-hot steel cactus inserted into my ass probably would not wake me up right now. 

That is all.

I got the generic brand of plax or something like that (the one where you squeeze the bottle and the top fills up) I don’t remember what it is called, anyway the CVS brand tastes like Bologna, I figured it would taste minty because it is green, but no it tastes like bologna. Also, there generic yeast infection cream tastes like pimento spread. I finished this meal off with a mayonnaise hard candy (it was there generic werthers). That is all.

First things first:  I love Rocky IV.  Love it!  Not only was it a great Revenge Theme movie but it ended the Cold War.  In fact, it was one of the more apt Cold War films; Self-Made Man versus Tool of the State, Tool of the State declaring that he fights not for the polit bureau but for himself (“Yasi byah” is almost certainly not actual Russian, but it was moving in the film).

I know the whole goddamn movie was crazy.  Why didn’t the ref stop the exhibition fight before the semi-retired, wholly beloved former heavyweight champion was beaten to death?  That’s so unlikely it may as well be impossible.  How did Rocky avoid being concussed while the Russian (whose punches have been established at 2000 psi pressure) rocks his dome repeatedly? 

But one thing stands out.

The Robot.

And it’s not even that the Robot itself was so crazy.  The real point is that in all the conversations I’ve ever had about Rocky IV, or the series as a whole (and I’ve had many), everyone just avoids the topic of the Robot.

Maybe we don’t know what to say.  What can you say? 

It’s insane to think Rocky could have single-handedly won over the hearts of the entire Soviet Union.  But at the very least, the Soviet Union was a real thing!

There’s no such thing as domestic androids!  Where could Rocky have bought that?!  It’s not a real item!! 

All of us need to stop pretending that there wasn’t a completely fucking unreal robot in Rocky IV.

Enough.

Sitting at work today, The Masters of the Universe movie somehow came to mind and decided to stay there.  Thusly, and since I haven’t written a post in some time, here’s a rather haphazard character/production dissection of a beloved franchise from my youth:

He-Man:  Dolph did an acceptable job.  His pectoralis majors did a considerably better job.  Frankly, He-Man was always the least interesting aspect of the whole series/actions figures/so-on for me. 

Skeletor: Fuckin’ A right, Frank Langella.  Badassness aplenty here and bitching make up effects to boot. 

Detective Lubic: essentially Strickland with a badge, therefore a serious contender for Best Character Ever.  Easily handles the appearance of scantily clad interdimensional warriors AND a necrotic overlord in his quaint Everyhood, keeps his cool wits about him, and then chooses to stay in Eternia after being granted what appears to be personal harem.  Needs a spinoff, right the fuck now.

Evil Lynn: just now realizing her name is a play on the name Evelyn.  Meh.  Kind of like being a henchman named Nefarious Rupert.  Actress who played here was pretty hot though, albeit in a Palinesque (read: frightening) way.

Blade: made up for the movie bad guy, pretty cool though.  Scene where he finally faces off with He-Man and says something prior to fight along the lines of “I’ve been waiting a long time for this” leads to a rather underwhelming sword fight, therefore a bit of a disappointment.  Granted I haven’t seen a single frame of this film in over a decade, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even get killed at the end. 

Sauron: single greatest let down of my childhood.  Another made just for movie bad guy, but fuck me, for an anthropomorphic snake he was goddamn dangerous looking.  So after introduction he kind of tags along with rest of henchmen and then, after they fuck up the first time, is vaporized by Skeletor as punishment.  Now, I had the action figure before the movie came out (it had a wheel on its back that made the mouth shoot sparks!) and in my mind I envisioned great acts of villainy from Sauron, and this is what I get.  Little has made me more depressed since then, including the real life death of four grandparents. 

Gwildor:  Poor’s man Orco. Fuck you Barty, and your magic Key.

Having 75% of Movie Take Place on Earth: an obvious way to cut down on production costs.  The throne room in Grayskull was a nice set though.

The Last Battle Betwixt He-Man and Skeletor: AWESOME.  Having the two of them face off illuminated by only blue and red lights sounds stupid but worked. 

VERDICT:  As both an adaptation and a stand alone sci-fi flick, I think it stands up pretty well despite a few glaring shortcoming. 

Will have remember to revist this topic after the next Rape of My Childhood On the Big Screen: live action G.I. Joe movie

Star Trek Disco Party!!!